Addressing the Mental Load in Relationships

I’ve had the honor of meeting with cohorts of moms in their first year postpartum through The Den Denver for the past year. During our time together, we discuss all of the changes in relationships that happen once you have a baby and how to navigate those changes. Having met with several groups over the year, there are several noticeable trends about the relationship changes they experience. Some of the starkest changes can be noticed in their marriages. For most couples, having and raising a baby is the first joint venture where you are dependent on the other person to accomplish your goal. Before kids, most couples work their jobs, support one another by listening to what is happening in their lives, and share mutually enjoyable experiences; the tasks are never as intertwined as when you bring a kid into the world. This can bring to light differences in values that weren’t evident before, making it ripe for misunderstanding, conflict, and feelings of isolation. This alone, not to mention the lack of sleep, changes in hormones, and the millions of other new dynamics impact how you interact with your spouse and support one another. This change can also highlight and cause some discrepancies in ownership and involvement around tasks related to the baby as well as day-to-day management of your household.

A pain point I often hear from moms is that they were in relationships that felt so equitable before kids, but after kids, an imbalance grew that felt unfair or unmanageable but also hard to address. This can look like all the household tasks falling on the mom if she is home with the baby, or feeling like all the decisions that impact the baby are made by the mom, leading to an overwhelming sense of responsibility. Without addressing these changes, this conflict can lead to resentment and distance between spouses; the chasm growing wider with every issue that goes unaddressed.

The good news is, things don’t have to feel hopeless or remain imbalanced. With communication and support, couples can find a rhythm and division that feels mutually beneficial. One resource I point couples to is Fair Play. There is a book, a documentary, and plenty of resources on their websites. They help couples talk through tasks and the mental load that those tasks take. If you aren’t familiar with the term mental load, it is the invisible labor that goes into a certain task. It might not be something you could cross off a to-do list, but it’s all the preparation on the front end that goes into a task. Without talking through the mental load associated with certain tasks, it can be hard to feel like things are equitable. For example, maybe one spouse is in charge of doctor appointments. That might seem like a straightforward task, but the mental load associated with it includes: being aware of when kids need their wellness exams, thinking through concerns you want to bring up to the pediatrician, knowing what other appointments need to be made (eye doctor, dentist, etc.), communicating with the school about their absence, scheduling follow-ups, managing payment and insurance, and more. When you look at all the back-end work, it becomes quite a large task. Couples can work together to understand the mental load the other person is holding for their tasks, which can create understanding and more targeted support.

Here’s a concrete example of this and some of the pitfalls from my own marriage. I was holding a lot of weekly evning tasks for our family: I make dinner and do the meal planning, and was also prepping lunches for our boys. My husband and I talked and decided that the task of packing lunches was something he could do in addition to cleaning up dinner. I told him the general necessities in a lunch: pack a protein, carb, fruit, veggie, and a chocolate kiss for dessert. But as he started taking over the task, I would hover over his shoulder and comment on what items the boys would or would not eat, and I would make suggestions and pull things out of the fridge for him to use. Eventually, every time he was making lunches, he would ask me what he should put in. He was taking over the physical task, but I was still holding the mental load of thinking through it. I noticed that I was feeling frustrated by this, but after reflecting on it, I realized that I had created a dynamic of dependence because I was constantly intervening and giving unsolicited feedback and advice. I communicated this to my husband and then made a commitment to myself to stay out of it. Does he pack lunches differently than me? Yes. Is that okay? Also yes! I even took it a step further and stopped unloading their lunches at the end of the day. I realized that by unloading their lunches, I wasn’t giving my husband the chance to look in the lunches and see what they ate and didn’t eat, thereby learning what items were worth packing and which weren’t. By removing myself from all parts of the process, I’ve been able to release the mental load of lunch prep and his ownership of the task has increased.

This process takes a lot of work and communication, but I promise you, it is worth it and will allow you and your partner to show up better for each other in the long run! If this feels like a daunting process, or you find yourself overwhelmed by all the changes in your relationship since having kids, reach out, and let’s talk! I have a whole program for couples to talk through these changes so you can come out on the other side stronger and more united.