Be a Coach, Not a Referee
I am constantly trying to work myself out of parenting tasks. I recently discovered this way to help kids get their coats on without adult help and immediately taught it to my boys and gained 1 minute back from the tasks associated with getting out of the house (winning!). Knowing that childhood is all about practice, I know there is a long road of passing tasks on to my boys, but I am constantly reflecting on what they are old enough to start managing themselves.
One task that can take a lot of parental involvement early on is managing conflict. With two boys in our house, there is conflict daily. A toy was stolen, rules were not followed, an elbow was thrown, a need was not acknowledged, a snack was not shared, and on and on… This is a job I would like to retire from eventually, so I have a mindset that I try to stay in when addressing issues between my sons or with other kids they interact with: Am I being a coach or a referee?
Now, I’m not much of a sports person (read: I know almost nothing about most sports), but I know the difference between a coach and a referee. A referee’s purpose is to manage the game happening in front of them. They are meant to call the shots, lay down the rules, enforce consequences objectively, and move on to managing the next issue in the game. They do not have any interest in the individual players, they aren’t there for their personal development - they are keeping order. The players are dependent on the referee to make the calls. They look to them, sometimes pleading their case, and wait for the ruling in order to respond to the issue. Each game is dependent on a referee to enforce the calls.
A coach’s purpose is to train the players with the skills they need to play the game to the best of their ability. They are watching them play, giving them feedback, and providing opportunities to practice while they observe. When it comes to the actual game, they have to step back and watch - providing feedback at key moments but letting their players shine and use the tools they have to be successful on the field.
As parents, we often fall into referee mode with our kids’ issues. We step in, tell them what will happen if they don’t stop, enact a consequence, and then wait for the next conflict. The problem is, that this makes our kids dependent on us to solve their problems. They will always look to us to fix the issue because we’ve made ourselves essential to the resolution. I don’t know about you, but this is not a job I want to hold in 5 years…
Instead of refereeing our children’s conflicts, we can get in the mindset of a coach and switch our role to one of counsel, feedback, and teaching - equipping our kids with the tools they need to handle conflict on their own. This way, when they are at school or a friend’s house, they know what to do to advocate for their needs while also acknowledging the needs of others. Problem solving is a life-long skill, and the building blocks of that start when our kids are young.
Here are 5 things you can start to work on with your kids to manage conflict now and in the future:
Give them the language of self-advocacy around sharing with these key phrases:
a. “I’m not done playing with this, you can have it when I’m done.”
b. “How much time do you need before I can have a turn?” (My boys will often say 2 or 3 minutes, and I still set the timer, but I just bought them sand timers with different minute amounts so they can start managing the time too)
c. “Can I have a turn when you’re done?”
Instead of shouting, “No!” or just screaming when they don’t like something the other person is doing, encourage them to say what it is they want the other person to stop doing. This helps them communicate their boundaries clearly. They can say, “I didn’t like it when you grabbed me,” which is going to help him get his needs met.
No means no, stop means stop. If you hear the other person say “no” or “stop,” when it comes to wrestling/roughhousing, you listen right away. This takes practice but with repetition, they will start to listen to the other person’s boundaries. *Make this the norm in your house with all members of the family following this rule. If you are tickling a kid and they say, “no” or “stop,” stop right away and point out the feedback loop so they notice it as the norm.
Encourage them to try to solve the problem by telling the other person what they need, and if they aren’t listening, then come get help or tell them you want to take a break from playing. This helps them avoid resorting to hitting. This still includes your involvement, but it’s a teaching opportunity to talk through what went wrong and how they can listen to each other in the future. The idea of taking a break from playing with the other person if they aren’t playing fairly or are being hurtful is a good lesson for all involved. It teaches kids that it’s okay to want to be treated kindly and it also discourages the other kid from the behavior because they will lose their playmate if they keep treating them unkindly.
Ask for space. When tensions are high, they can tell each other “space!” to get some time away to calm down. You can teach them to come back when they feel better, which helps everyone move on or express their needs in a calm way. It feels like an empowering way to take care of themselves without getting physical.
My involvement in their conflict will continue throughout childhood, but I will always look at ways I can pass responsibility to them in small ways, with lots of coaching, so they feel confident in their skills and their ability to work through conflict with others. This can take a lot of work up front, but the pay off will be life-long!