Managing Resentment in Parenting
I recently had the privilege of being part of a postpartum support group at The Den in Denver called The Series (Cohort 5 is open now!). Providers come every other week of the 8-week series to discuss various topics affecting new moms. I was honored to talk about resentment. I thought a lot about resentment and the impact on parents at all stages as I prepared for my time with the cohort.
Several memories came to mind about my postpartum journey and the various ways I felt resentment creeping in. I was suddenly not my own person and no longer had control over my schedule, sleep, or body. I felt trapped, unable to make plans or leave the house. On top of that, it was the beginning of COVID so in a lot of ways, I was even more housebound than I would have felt under normal circumstances. I was resentful that my introduction to parenthood was so different than that of my friends who had kids before COVID. I also felt resentment toward my husband for his ability to leave the house for undefined amounts of time because he wasn’t physically tied to our son. He would come in from doing yard work and offer to take over so I could get some time outside, but between nursing and pumping, I felt like my window was incredibly confined and would feel more stressed by the time frame than excited to go outside by myself. My partner was trying to be supportive but my unnamed resentment would flare between tears and snippy comments when he offered to help.
Resentment can be an uncomfortable topic to discuss because we often feel guilty for having any resentment. A working definition for resentment is unacknowledged pain points, anger, hurt, expectations, and disappointments. The key part to notice is “unacknowledged.” When we don’t allow room for what is hurting us, it can breed resentment toward the people we love the most. There can be resentment toward your spouse for things like unequal responsibilities or unmet needs, resentment toward friends for things like differences in the breastfeeding journey, or the birth journey, there is even resentment toward your baby for not sleeping, not eating, or changes in your lifestyle. Regardless of how it is popping up, it can strain relationships and make you feel isolated and unseen. Resentment forms when we ignore our hurts and they build and fester until we ignore connection with others or begin picking at our spouse for small, unrelated things because we need an outlet for the pent-up resentment. This approach doesn’t feel good for anyone and doesn’t lead to resolution in any way.
We often feel like the solution to these negative feelings is to ignore them, bury them, or punish ourselves for having them, when in fact all that does is magnify the feeling - leaving it begging for an outlet. Instead, talking about it and seeking understanding for ourselves and from our loved ones can help tremendously. When I sat down to talk with my husband about what I was feeling, we were able to connect and share the burden of what I was holding. He acknowledged my struggle and offered to help make a better schedule for getting me the time I needed to feel whole. Here are 4 things that help manage resentment and build a connection with the people you care about the most.
Name it with the person you are struggling with. You don’t have to blame them for the feeling, but expressing what you are feeling can open the door for connection and resolutions. You can start this conversation with a phrase from Brene Brown, “The story I’m telling myself is…” This keeps the conversation from feeling like an attack and can help the other person join you in empathy and understanding. An example might be, “I’m noticing some resentment forming around the time you get out of the house vs. the time I get out of the house. My time always comes with a limit because I have to hurry back to feed the baby. The story I’m telling myself is that that doesn’t matter to you since you get to leave for however long you want.” After expressing your feelings, you and your partner can either brainstorm ways for you to get more time for yourself or at a minimum, allow you to feel seen and heard in your struggle.
Write about the feelings you are having. Sometimes getting your thoughts out on paper can be an incredible release from resentment. Maybe it doesn’t feel safe to talk to your friend about resentment you are feeling, or you can’t process the resentment you are feeling with your newborn, but writing about it is a way to release the tension building up inside you. If you can, seeking therapy during the postpartum period can provide a great container for the myriad of feelings and changes you are going through.
Seek time for yourself. It may not be the same as it was before kids, but carving out time for yourself and building the habit of prioritizing that is life-giving and empowering. When we are on empty and sacrificing for others without meeting our own needs, that is prime planting grounds for resentment to grow. Treat yourself with tenderness and know that stepping away is not selfish, it’s a.) good modeling for your child to see that self-care is important b.) setting you up to have more capacity for the needs of your loved ones. No one can pour from an empty cup.
Acknowledge that your feelings are valid. That doesn’t mean that you have to let them take over and control the situation, but it’s important to validate the feeling in order for it to feel seen and understood. Don’t try to convince yourself not to feel it, acknowledge it, then remind yourself of other things you know to be true (ex. “My partner loves me and is trying to help me, I can make some changes to address this, my friends weren’t consciously making me feel bad for the differences in our breastfeeding journeys.”), and then let the feeling pass.
Resentment is the result of not acknowledging our feelings of hurt and anger. Take the time to share your feelings with your friends and family along the way so you can strengthen the relationships and connections instead of strengthening the void by letting resentment grow. I’d love to hear how you have managed resentment in the comments!