The Struggle of Parenting in Public
My 3-year-old recently started “playing” soccer at our local rec center. It’s basically controlled chaos for 45 minutes while parents and siblings watch on the sidelines. Before the first practice, I reminded my son, “You’re going to have a coach who will tell you what to do and when to kick the ball; it’s important to listen to them.” My son looked up at me as I was tightening his shin guards and said, “Mom, we’re kids, we don’t listen! You know how forgetful I am…” Of course, what was I thinking?!
Sure enough, he listened to 5% of what the coaches were instructing him to do AND had the best time of his life. As did most kids!
Here’s something wonderful and frustrating about kids - they are going to do and behave however they need to, whenever they need to, in front of whomever they need to, to get their needs met. I remember teaching Kindergarten and having important people come through our school to observe our classrooms. You know who didn’t care that a tech billionaire was in the building? The 5-year-olds.
As common as this behavior is from our kids, it seems like it’s really hard for us as parents to accept. There’s this constant fear that our kids’ behavior is going to be judged, that WE are going to be judged for it. This leads to us parenting differently in public than maybe we would in the comfort of our own homes. Instead of being more patient and understanding when our kids are having a hard time, we try to tighten the reigns, limit the struggle, and gain control. The problem is this often leads to more of a struggle with our kids. When kids feel like there isn’t space for their emotions, they tend to increase the struggle to be heard instead of calming down.
Another thing that can happen is that we feel like we are being judged for our parenting decisions and feel self-conscious about the decisions we make. I noticed a mom next to me who had a kid around 1.5 who was patiently sitting with his parents while his older sister got to play soccer. Understandably so, his patience ran out, and he wanted to move. His mom had roamed around with him for quite a while before coming back to sit down. She gave him the iPad so she could watch her daughter out on the field. My 1.5-year-old noticed and looked over, so my eyes followed. The mom immediately felt like she had to justify the iPad to me, someone she didn’t know. “I know, I know, I ran around with him for a while… I know I shouldn’t give it to him.” I immediately tried to make it clear there was no judgment on my part. Technology is a tool and it looked like she was using it to help her be able to focus on her daughter. Regardless of her reason, I, as a stranger, would have no business making a judgment on her or her son in the short time that I observed their family - not my place nor anyone else’s!
I think we all struggle with these feelings of shame. I recently asked parents if they felt anxiety about parenting in public and 84% of parents respond that they do feel that pressure. The interesting part was that parents were split when it came to how they wanted others to respond to them with 42% wanting others to ignore their parenting and let them deal with it on their own, and 48% wanting solidarity to make them feel seen (10% said nothing would help). Regardless, we can all help shift this pressure by checking our own reactions to other people's parenting in public and managing our own anxiety when we find ourselves in difficult parenting waters while we’re out and about with our kids.
Here are some tips for managing the struggle of parenting in public spaces:
Check in with yourself before you respond to your kid to see if what you’re feeling is rooted in shame around what other people might be thinking about you and your kid. If that’s the case, remind yourself that you are a good parent and you have a good kid who might be struggling. Other people are seeing a glimpse of who your kid is (and who you are as a parent), so stay focused on your kid and not those around you.
If your child seems over-stimulated in a public place, move them away from the stimulation before responding. If you need to have a conversation about listening, not running, being a little quieter, etc., make sure you are removed from the stimulation so they can focus on what you are saying.
Be patient. Kids are still learning social norms and expectations, and it’s okay if they aren’t always meeting those expectations. Think through what conversations might set your kid up for success before the next outing and plan to have that conversation in the future while managing what you can in the moment.
Remember that we are all trying our best, it’s okay if that’s a struggle at times!