What do We do When We Get Triggered by Our Kids?
We’ve all been there. It’s the end of the day, you have been running around fighting fires since dawn, you are exhausted (and no one got that memo…), and your kid picks that moment to suddenly realize how hungry and tired they are. They start screaming for a snack while you are frantically trying to make dinner, meet their needs, and respond to a text you’ve ignored all day. Instead of meeting your dysregulated child with your normal calm, you yell your answer, “JUST A MINUTE!!!” and feel a temporary release valve on the stress but then the follow-up guilt for yelling at your precious kid. It can feel impossible to maintain your calm all day long, and the truth is, nobody CAN keep that calm all day long.
So what can you do if you are getting triggered by the stress in your life and responding in ways that are less than ideal? The first thing I find helpful is to understand the “why” behind our triggers. Here are three key reasons you might be triggered while parenting:
We are biologically wired to be triggered by certain things, especially crying. When are kids cry, it sends off alarm bells in our brains signally that there is danger and we need to respond. This can send us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (surface-level fix-it mode to appease the problem).
Triggers can happen because of past trauma. If we have unresolved traumatic experiences in our past, it can trigger a feeling of helplessness all over again that cues the same responses in our brains we had during our past traumatic experiences. It can take a long time to “convince” our brain we aren’t in danger anymore. This is a helpful thing to explore in therapy if you feel like this is coming up for you.
Your threshold of tolerance is lower when you are “at capacity.” If you are being asked to perform at a high level (aka parenting) all the time, it diminishes your reserves for handling stress. You might respond differently to a stressor on 8 hours of continuous sleep when you are well fed and your basic needs are met, versus not sleeping through the night, not being able to eat a balanced meal, and being depended on all day.
The second thing we can do is start to anticipate common triggers and set ourselves up to respond differently by preparing for the stressor. This looks like thinking through common times when you lose your sh*t and asking yourself the following questions:
What is the trigger?:
What does it trigger in me?:
Why is the trigger probably there?:
MantraA mantra is a helpful phrase you can remind yourself of and repeat to yourself to help you stay calm in stressful situations. When we have something easy to remember and say in moments of stress, it allows for the thinking part of our brain to stay online and help us navigate the difficult moment.
This simple step can help you feel more in control in those difficult moments and help you navigate them with more calm than you might usually have. The other thing to remember is that no one can parent (or do anything!) perfectly all the time. The BEST tool we have is to genuinely apologize to our kids, spouses, coworkers, and friends when we respond negatively. That repair will build the foundation of a strong relationship with the people you love and create safety regardless of the times we mess up.