You Better Watch Out! Is Santa Claus Coming to Town?
There has been A LOT of noise this year around what to do with Santa. In an attempt to do right by their kids, some parents are struggling with whether or not telling their kids Santa is real is lying and is going to permanently damage trust between them. The other perspective is that Santa is part of the magic of Christmas and people are “robbing” their kids of a childhood by tossing in the towel on Santa. Maybe you find yourself struggling with these options as you hear from others who have a firm, unwavering perspective on how to handle this. Maybe you grew up with positive memories of Santa, or maybe you remember being devastated when you found out Santa wasn’t real. Regardless of what your experience was growing up, it can be hard to decide how to handle cultural things like this in your parenting journey.
I have found myself grappling with this as well as we seek to establish holiday traditions with our young boys. I can’t answer the question for you and your family, but I can shed light on what I know about child development and caregiver trust. If nothing else, I hope this takes some pressure off of you to “get it all right,” as we so often feel we must do as parents. We all know this is an unattainable goal, but we still desperately want to do right by our kids.
Here are some things I know to help you navigate this decision:
Some families choose to celebrate the origin story of Santa and talk about the Spirit of Giving instead of the actual Santa. There are books you can buy that shed light on this man and how he gave to his community. This provides a framework for talking about Santa that may feel more authentic to some.
Some families choose to say they are “playing Santa,” to be more transparent about the role being taken on by mom and dad while still having fun with the idea of Santa.
Some families choose to give Santa a prominent role on Christmas while their kids are young. There is a natural imagination that kids have that makes this sense of wonder magical in its own right. Kids often enjoy the process of slowly figuring out that things aren’t lining up with Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy, and discover that maybe Santa isn’t real over time. One thing I would suggest in this approach is if your kid asks you directly if Santa isn’t real, that you be honest with them. You can explain then that it’s a fun part of Christmas to imagine Santa as real. *If you are worried about them ruining it for others, you can say that each person gets to believe as long as they want, so we don’t need to tell others once we’ve figured it out. They’ll figure it out on their own.
Some families choose to give Santa a smaller role. You can do stockings from Santa instead of all the presents, or have one gift be from Santa while the rest are from people in their life. This allows for more recognition of the giving and receiving of gifts and can build gratitude over time when kids get to connect with who the gift is from.
Something to remember: You may have heard horror stories about when kids realized that Santa wasn’t real. I know of an adult who still feels scarred by that. But the thing is, this often goes hand in hand with more difficult parent-child relationships where there isn’t a foundation of trust in general. If a kid struggles to trust because it hasn’t been safe, and then they realize they weren’t told the truth about Santa, it feels like a betrayal. If a kid has a secure attachment and the information isn’t maliciously held from them, it is most likely they will see the story as fun and well-intentioned.
I would recommend moving away from the conversation about Santa being tied to behavior. We all grew up hearing “You better not cry, you better not pout!” and “He’s gonna find out who is naughty or nice.” These can create some unhealthy perspectives for our kids around which emotions are okay and also endorse the idea that you are either good or bad and that your choices define you. We know that we have good kids who make mistakes, they don’t need to believe they are either on a good or bad list. Science shows that this type of reinforcement doesn’t lead to long-term change and is harmful long-term to kids’ mental health. In addition, I think this has negative ramifications on a community level. If a family is not as well off and can’t provide gifts on Christmas, it can be really harmful to think the reason they didn’t get gifts was because they were “naughty.” We can all work to stop that narrative so that no kid has to hold that burden of responsibility for something that is completely out of their hands.
Regardless of what your family chooses, if you are doing it with intention and following the lead of your child and your intuition, it will all work out. I’d love to hear any other ideas you've had with our family, so respond and share your stories and thoughts!