What’s the Point of Discipline?
What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the word discipline? If I’m being honest, I’ve been nervous about putting “Discipline” as part of the title for my upcoming class or talking about it because I feel like the word carries a lot of weight (and very different weight depending on how you were raised, what your current parenting philosophy is, and so much more). There’s an important distinction that is worth making upfront — there is a difference between discipline and punishment, though they are often used interchangeably. The origin of the word discipline comes from “disciple,” which means “to teach.” The purpose of discipline is to teach, and the purpose of punishment is to inflict suffering for an offense. This has been a topic I have immersed myself in for more than 10 years. First, as an educator and teacher coach seeing how to help 30+ kids in a classroom follow instructions effectively and enjoy the process along the way, then as a mental health professional studying the brain science of development, attachment, and the parent/child relationship, and finally as a mom with my two young sons. This journey has shown me the importance of discipline and expanded the “why” behind its purpose and the impactful distinction from punishment.
If we truly look at the purpose of discipline as being a teacher and a guide for our children throughout their time in our care, it can cause a tremendous shift in our focus in the toughest moments of parenting. Kids don’t come pre-programmed with coping strategies and emotional/social intelligence. All of that is learned from us and practiced with us (then with friends and teachers later on). The knowledge that when our kids are having a hard time and are acting out, they are doing so because they don’t have a better way to get their needs met can shift our focus to helping them develop the skills rather than punishing them for not having the skills. If they did have mastery of such a skill, they would use it! Punishing these types of behaviors does nothing to set a kid up to know how to behave differently in the future, in fact, it usually results in kids feeling angry at you, which can often escalate their behavior and create more tension in the relationship. Discipline takes the long-game approach and focuses on helping kids through their emotions in the moment, reassuring them that your feelings about them don’t change when they mess up, and then taking the opportunity when they are calm again to talk through what they could have done differently.
Childhood is all about practicing how to be a human. We are learning who we are in the world, how we relate to others, what our values are, and how to both get our needs met while making room for the needs of others. This growth takes time and tutelage from trusted and safe adults. We can set ourselves up to be long-term guides in our children’s lives by structuring consequences, corrections, and feedback through the lens of teaching rather than punishing behaviors as they grow.
If this feels like a topic you’d like to know more about, I have compiled all the research and my best strategies for confident discipline for an upcoming class with Very Good Mothers Club that is accessible to everyone over Zoom. The class will be on February 22nd, 1 PM MST and tickets are $45 each.
Follow the link to get your ticket today! https://www.eventbrite.com/e/how-to-confidently-discipline-our-young-children-tickets-814366130017?aff=oddtdtcreator