Twinkie to the Rescue
We have all had those days when we know we are asking more of our kids than we probably should. We know what the effect will be (an epic meltdown), but sometimes it’s unavoidable because of our schedule and commitments, or the family's basic needs. I know what I am like on days when I don’t have any more coping skills left, and let me tell you - it isn’t pretty. I am short with everyone, I snap at the smallest inconvenience, and I huff around the house finding things to be mad at or stressed about until the whole family is caught up in my emotions. Now think about what happens to our kids when they are pushed beyond their limits. If their basic coping skills are exhausted, they lose their ability to manage their emotions. The most common triggers for this state of being are hunger, fatigue, and disconnection. It might present as something different, like being mad about a toy getting taken away or not getting a treat at the store, but the root cause is often one of those three things. It can be hard to walk our kids through the tantrum and safely get to the other side without meeting those core needs - even more so because our kids can often REFUSE the offered help regardless of its intended benefit.
I recently experienced this very thing with my 2-year-old. I had an in-person event scheduled during my son’s nap time a couple of weeks ago, and I didn’t have anyone who could come sit at my house while I was gone, so instead I sent him to my amazing neighbor’s house to hang out. He’s getting closer to three, so I figured pushing a nap wouldn’t be the worst thing (how naïve of me…). After picking him up from my neighbor’s, we went straight to my older son’s school to pick him up. Of course, he fell asleep in the car for the 12-minute drive and then woke up hot and tired and not ready to be taken out of his seat and made to stand in line. This is where things feel a part for both of us. He wanted to walk down the stairs instead of having me carry him (we were already down the stairs). I should have just let him go back up and walk down because reasoning with a tired kid is impossible, but I told him he could walk up on the way back to the car, which didn’t go over well. I’ll spare you all the juicy details, but picture sunglasses being thrown, limbs hanging all over the place, and an audience of all the parents in my son’s K-8 school watching. I attempted distraction, novelty, and empathy, but nothing was pulling him out of it when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a Twinkie in front of his face. A sweet mom who watched our struggle had pulled a Twinkie out of her purse and graciously handed it to my screaming son. He stopped crying and took the Twinkie. As the person who had upset him, it was very hard for him to receive distraction, novelty, or comfort from me, but the Twinkie provided enough of a break from what was upsetting to turn him around. I’ve never been so thankful for a processed snack in my life! I share this story for a few takeaways:
It can be easy to go into a shame spiral when we have to parent in public. Messages like, “I’m being judged, everyone is going to think I’m a horrible mother and can’t control my kids, this is so embarrassing!” pop up and are unrelenting. This scenario was a good reminder to me that other parents are probably looking on with nothing more than empathy because the reality is that we have ALL been the person holding the screaming child. The most common feeling is wanting to help, not judge.
Take the Twinkie. When we start to feel out of control with our kids, it can make us buckle down even more to prove to ourselves and others that we can handle it. There was a split second when I wanted to say, “It’s okay, you don’t have to give him that but thank you!” but I didn’t have a good reason to say that. She was offering, which meant she wanted to help. Take the help. If someone offers to help you get to your car while you are holding groceries and a struggling child, say “Yes, please!” Taking the help does not mean you don’t know how to parent or that you can’t handle things - It means you are just like everyone else and need help sometimes.
No one wants to be judged by their worst moments. I don’t want to be judged by the times I’m hangry and tired and our kids don’t want to be either. Parenting toddlers can feel like emotional whiplash with how often and how quickly their moods change, but let them change and recover without holding a grudge. It might take a Twinkie from a stranger to turn them around and that’s okay.
Parenting is a wild ride and we could all benefit from going a little easier on ourselves, asking for and accepting help, and maybe enjoying a Twinkie now and then.