Why the Hurry?
Scene: It’s a school day. We are now at a public school with a set start time and penalties for being late (vs. a daycare setting where you can drop off whenever). I have two drop-offs each morning with a 15-minute drive between them.
Characters: I’m a life-long efficiency nut who hates being late. I am also a mom to two boys who love independently getting ready at a snail’s pace, long breakfasts full of tangential conversation, and dawdling. This, my friends, is a recipe for my worst characteristics to EXPLODE.
Event: I am watching my almost 3-year-old attempt to put his shoes on while holding two toys and explaining that he needs to find a third toy he wants to bring in the car. My tone is brisk and impatient as I say, “Focus. Put. Your. Shoes. ON.” He turns to me with his sweet green eyes and dimpled cheeks and replies, “Mommy, are you mad at me?”
I’m crushed. My son is confused as to why I’m treating him with harshness and responding to him this way. He’s a toddler doing his best to go along with the morning routine, express his desires, and get his little shoes on. When met with my tone, he was probably thinking, “What did I do wrong? Why is Mom mad at me?”
Those are good questions for me to ask too: What did he do wrong? Why am I mad right now? Why am I letting my anxiety come out as anger at my kids?
Now hear me out. I am not into the blame game or the shame game in parenting - it’s toxic and doesn’t lead to anything good. I am, however, into reflecting on sticky areas and interactions between me and my kids and seeing what we can adjust to have more peaceful and respectful interactions (within what is in my control). If this was your morning too, I see you, I feel you, and I am NOT judging either of us - these mornings are hard. Reflecting on this moment, I had several takeaways and things I want to work on for future moments. I share these knowing that I will get impatient again; I will not perfectly execute any plan, but I want to do better and believe I can work towards a more patient version of myself in the mornings.
Here’s what I am already doing to help this anxious part of myself feel less stressed:
I have been getting the boys up 15 minutes earlier (they are usually already awake, just hanging out in their beds/rooms) and have established that we get dressed before leaving our rooms. This gives us more wiggle room for dawdling and helps us if things start going south with their attitudes - we’re at least already dressed, which makes me less stressed.
I am getting time to work out and get ready before they wake up. I am not saying this is for everyone, but for me, it puts me in a better mindset for the day when I have some time for myself to get centered before the chaos of getting two young people out of our house.
Here’s what I am trying to do to help my attitude when they are behaving like kids, which they are and deserve to behave as such…
I am taking time during my morning before they are up to remind myself of what is true:
I can control my pieces of the morning, I cannot control the pace or movements of my kids.
They are going to behave like kids and have their own thoughts and opinions in the morning, my frustration with them will not change that; I might as well try to stay calm and present.
We’ll be late or on time regardless of how irritable I am. I can try to at least send my boys to school feeling my love rather than my irritation.
It may seem overly simple to just say these things to yourself and expect a different outcome, but when we say these things out loud, it puts them in the forefront of our mind and has the potential to shift our actions with more consciousness around what we are doing and how we are behaving. Again, this isn’t a magic fix, and I’m sure to lose my patience again soon, but it feels worth it to try to address this so my boys don’t go to school most days thinking I’m mad at them. And here’s the grace over all of this: when we mess up, we can always apologize, which, I believe, is one of the most powerful things we can do as parents.
I made sure to loop back to my son after school and say, “That wasn’t right of me to speak to you in anger this morning. I’m sorry, and I’m working on being more patient.” We hugged and moved on, and will try again tomorrow.